if you like me you must not know who I am
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
