I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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