I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
