When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Is her dick bigger than yours?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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