I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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