im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
worst night to have a conscience
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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