I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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