he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
me + whiskey = a bad person
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
