Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
