and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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