We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
