I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
