Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
