Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You can't motorboat a personality
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
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