Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
