ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
