Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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