bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
