I wanna bring you to show and tell
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He has the fingertips of a God
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