I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
