i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize