She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
