I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Randomize
