I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
