i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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