So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
