i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
