So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
