Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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