he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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