3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
