why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
