I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
