I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
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