Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Houston, we have a squirter
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
