Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
