You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
