I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
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