I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
