I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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