Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
never play flip cup with pint glasses
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
