she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
