eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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