he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
