I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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