I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
