never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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