I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
