she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
