I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
