You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
