hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
My hand turned me down
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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