see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
