You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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