Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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