your parents love me but you hate me
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
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