I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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