Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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