What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
