Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
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