I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
