He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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